


if only you knew

by katsvragi



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, M/M, Song: Heather (Conan Gray), Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:49:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27320743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katsvragi/pseuds/katsvragi
Summary: Hide has been in love with Kaneki for forever. He does everything for him, but in the end, he is still the best friend and Touka is the love of his life.
Relationships: Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise & Nagachika Hideyoshi, Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Kirishima Touka, Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Nagachika Hideyoshi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 76





	if only you knew

**Author's Note:**

> SO. this actually is tokyo ghoul but hide perspective...in a way because I also inserted a bit of the song heather into it. this was kind of rushed, i apologize for the mess that this is.
> 
> on another note, happy halloween! :]

Hide has been in love with his best friend for the longest time. He doesn’t know exactly when his feelings started to bloom, but the moment he realized he was _in love_ with him was when Kaneki started talking about a purple-haired girl he sees at Anteiku. Hide knows that he’s always talked about girls and how he wished to have a nice, hot girlfriend to show off, but he only did it for show. He never liked girls. He likes boys - he likes _Kaneki_.

He hasn’t come out because he was embarrassed by the many things he did while he pretended to be straight in front of Kaneki and his friends. He knew deep down Kaneki would understand and would accept him, that’s how he was. Kaneki Ken was an angel and Hide wished he could be the one making Kaneki blush. The one Kaneki would look at from the corner of his eye and not that girl. He wishes he could be the one Kaneki was infatuated by. But he wasn’t.

He holds on to the memory of them in December of last year. They were in Kaneki’s apartment and Hide was shivering. They had just gotten there after running from the rain that caught them. Hide’s jacket was soaked and Kaneki offered him his hoodie. Hide said yes in an instant. He loved the way it was still a bit big, he knew Kaneki loved oversized hoodies. It smelled just like him and Hide felt a sense of euphoria envelop him as he snuggled into it and inhaled Kaneki’s scent. It smelled just like him and it brought him comfort.

_“You look better in it than I do!” Kaneki laughs softly as he gave him a small smile._

_Hide turned away to hid his blush, “Of course I do, everything looks better on me.”_

_Kaneki burst into laughter and Hide could only stare in endearment._

When Kaneki had told him that he’d gotten a date with her - with _Rize_ \- he couldn’t help the way his chest tightened and the way he felt his world crash. _I don’t see what’s so great about a bookstore date, but I hope you have fun!_ That’s what he’d told Kaneki after hearing the news. He lied. A bookstore date was so Kaneki and Hide wanted that. He wanted to go to a bookstore with Kaneki and hear him go on and on about Takatsuki Sen’s novels or any other books he loved - he remembers him mentioning an Osamu Dazai. He wanted to make Kaneki read some manga with him despite the latter preferring the opposite. He wanted to buy him the books he wanted and take him to lunch right after. He yearned for what _Rize_ would have with him.

Hide had gotten to the hospital as soon as he found out about the accident. He was terrified and panicked when he’d seen the news and gotten a call. He’d shown up, breathless, to Kaneki’s room and he can remember the relief he felt wash over him when he’d seen Kaneki sleeping soundly in the bed and had gotten the confirmation that he would be okay.

When Kaneki had gotten discharged, Hide had decided to treat him for lunch at Big Girl where they always liked to eat. But Hide couldn’t help but notice how different Kaneki seemed. He was distant, would zone out, and he even puked after having only a single bite. Hide had offered to walk him home if he was feeling unwell, but Kaneki said no and timidly went home. Hide could only watch him go. The many days that came next, Kaneki didn’t show up for classes and never replied to Hide’s texts or answered his calls. He even made sure to mention the book signing event Takatsuki was doing, but still, no response. Hide wanted to go check on him, but he knew Kaneki preferred to be on his own. So, he decided to give him some time - he figured the events of the accident and Rize’s death were hurting him no matter how badly Hide wished to be there to comfort him.

It’s after the incident with Nishio that Hide pieces together what had happened. Still, he doesn’t mention it to Kaneki. He feigns ignorance and watches as he seems to smile more and be happy when he starts working at Anteiku. The way he no longer did with Hide. They grew distant and as much as it hurt Hide, he let it happen. He let Kaneki slip from his fingers and disappeared.

But that didn’t mean Hide didn't know Kaneki was eyepatch, the new ghoul that was getting attention from the CCG.

That is what encouraged him to take on the part-time job of delivering at the CCG - to try and get inside information about Kaneki. He helps them on occasion with finding some ghouls his own way. Some of the investigators already knew him from when he was younger after the incident with his parents. But despite it all, he was still helplessly in love with Kaneki and did everything he could to keep up with him even if he wasn’t beside him.

Hide wasn’t going to hate Kaneki or even wish him to be dead because he was a ghoul now. Kaneki was his best friend, the love of his life, and Hide would do anything for him to be safe and happy. There were days when Hide couldn’t bring himself to stand from his bed, too lost in his mind and memories of Kaneki. He wondered how he was doing and if he was safe - if he was _happy_. He hated the way he heard some talk about him, how they wished for his death. It made him sick.

The next time Hide sees Kaneki, it’s under a bridge in the sewers. And Kaneki has a gaping hole in his stomach. Hide was relieved to see him alive, but he could see Kaneki shrinking back. Away from him. In shame, fear, and shock. Hide expected it, because how would anyone feel if there were something that was deemed as a _monster_ and your best friend just found out. A best friend that was a victim of losing his parents to said ‘ _monsters_ ’. But Hide wouldn’t let him have it.

He attempts to joke, trying to ease the tension - mainly one-sided - but Kaneki was still cowering and refusing to believe Hide was seeing him the way he was - seeing who he _really_ is now. But Hide knew he didn’t have much time and he tells Kaneki to eat from him and get back out there and fight. To get back his strength and continue his fight. Hide knew by now that his life revolved around Kaneki. Kaneki was his everything and he was there with him when no one else was and became his friend when he had no one.

Hide had made the mistake in the past to allow Kaneki to suffer on his own and not offer him a hand. This was him returning the favor. He was going to save him so Kaneki could live and make a world where they could all live together in peace.

Hide spends a while recovering after that and continues to do what he can behind the scenes. He’s tired of the fighting and the suffering Kaneki went through. He just wants things to go back to when he and Kaneki would laugh and joke around together. When they didn’t have to go through anything they’ve gone through.

When Hide listens to a conversation Touka was having with Hinami by accident, he feels bittersweet. He could tell she loved the same guy he had loved for many years. The one that doesn’t even remember them anymore.

Hide had heard about the certain investigator that was brought out and doing great with catching ghouls. Haise Sasaki. When Hide saw him for the first time, he knew. He knew that was the love of his life from a single glance. He was as beautiful as ever, the same contagious laugh and smile. The same soft eyes and facial features. His hair made him seem softer and Hide only felt himself fall endlessly in the black hole that is Kaneki. His love for him neverending and somehow still being able to grow more intensely.

When he'd accidentally turned on speakers and played the audio of Kaneki’s and Takizawa’s seemingly one-sided fight, no pain could ever have come close to what he felt at that moment. Hearing Kaneki’s cries of pain as Takizawa butchered into him with his kagune was the worst experience of his life. He ended up throwing up. He had somehow lost access to the controls and ran out of the room as Kaneki’s ongoing bloodcurdling screams echoed through the halls.

He knew he had to do what he could to be there when he could finally come out of the dark and help them. Help Kaneki.

Hide considered it. He really did. But, the way Kaneki looked at Touka. The way he had risked everything for her. The way he lost body parts just to get to her. The way he did everything for her to be safe. He couldn’t compete with that.

Touka was pretty - as pretty as an angel. A personality that anyone could fall for. She was everything he wasn’t. She was a _girl_. And Hide...well, he was Hide. Kaneki’s best friend and _only_ his best friend. He couldn’t compete with her. He couldn’t even tell Kaneki he was in love with him - that he’d always been in love with him from the start without ruining things. He’d just finally gotten him back after so long. He couldn’t ruin that.

Maybe he should’ve never pretended to be straight. Maybe he should’ve told Kaneki he was gay and told him he loved him. Maybe he should’ve done as Kaneki had done with Rize and gone for it. But he didn’t. He couldn’t do it after the accident. He couldn’t do it that time in the sewers. He couldn’t do it when they reunited again and he’s shown Kaneki his face. He couldn’t do it now when everything was okay again. He couldn’t do it when Kaneki married her. Not when they revealed they were expecting. Not when they had their first kid. He could never have a chance to tell him how he truly felt.

He’d only told Touka. He told the girl the love of his life was in love with that he was in love with him. He hadn’t meant to. She was the one that had asked after she found out he was alive. Hide really hadn’t meant to reveal that secret. But everything defied him and he had started crying. She held him in her arms as he sobbed for what had felt like hours. She had told him that she could see the way he looked at Kaneki. She could see it in the way he talked about him. And how it was _so_ obvious from the way Hide had dedicated his life to helping Kaneki and never letting him go. She had even suggested backing out.

_“You loved him first,” Touka smiles, but Hide couldn’t look at her as he stood._

_“But,” he paused, clenching his fists, “he loves **you**.”_

Hide has handled it for many years on end. The whole being in love with his best friend thing. He wasn’t meant to be with Kaneki, he’d realized that the second he saw him as Sasaki in that coffee shop looking at Touka the way he had with Rize long ago. Kaneki had never looked at him that way and he never would. Hide can live with it.

It was fine as long as Kaneki was alive and happy. Hide wouldn’t have it any other way, even if he sometimes spent nights sobbing in his cold and empty apartment. Even if sometimes he wished he could take back what he’d told Touka back then and accepted her suggestion of backing out so he could give it a chance. He wished he could be selfish when he needed to be.

Maybe he could’ve been the one in Kaneki’s arms, wearing his sweaters and being the one he looked at as if he was the most beautiful thing in the world, and not her.

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this made me realize how much Hide did for Kaneki and I nearly cried because Hide deserves the world.


End file.
